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Addiction--again
Dear Dr.Lee:
I've just figured out that i'm a sugar addict. I thought cigarettes, alcohol and drugs would be the end of it. If you include prescription drugs, I've been addicted to all three, and I've been feeling sort of smug for the last two years since I stopped smoking and drinking in the same year. Now I'm hearing doctors with good reputations say that sugar is just as addictive. When I heard that, I felt like they were talking about me. I have to have my sweets every day, and every night too. I convinced my wife to make desserts every night years ago. A lot of times I have cake or pie after dinner, and then I have some later at night when I'm by myself watching my favorite late night comedy shows.
Once I start eating sweets, it's hard for me to stop. it's pretty similar to the way I used to be about beer or whiskey or cigarettes. Once I got started, I wanted more and more, regardless of the results.
I asked my doctor about sugar as an addiction, and he seemed to think the idea was ridiculous. He said thinking that chocolate cake and cocaine are the same doesn't make sense. Then he started talking about all the sweets he likes. Unlike me, he's not overweight. He said "moderation in everything works best," and then he walked out of the room. Time for the next patient I guess.
I'm fat. I get tired easily. I don't exercise even though I know heart disease runs in my family. Now I have something new to worry about--sugar! It's always been my friend. What do you think?
--Overweight in Madison
New Research On Sugar As Addictive
First of all, I'm not a physician. I can't give you the best information about the effects of sugar on your cholesterol or your risk for diabetes. However, I have worked with many addicts, and have been a 12-step member for many years myself. Like you, I had to work hard to get cigarettes and alcohol out of my life. One thing I learned along the way is that freeing yourself from an addiction greatly increases your sense of joy and satisfaction with your life. The process starts with a feeling of deprivation, and ends with a wonderful sense of freedom.
Major Health Risks
There is new research supporting the idea that sugar is addictive and that it's a major health risk. Dr. Robert Lustig can be found on YouTube giving a lecture called "Sugar: the Bitter Truth." He and other doctors and scientists believe that heart disease, cancer, diabetes and other major health problems are linked to the widespread use of sugar. And sugar is everywhere--not just in the obvious places like candy, cakes, cookies and ice cream. Sugar or the equivalent high fructose corn syrup are in almost every food that comes from a box or can or bottle. Check labels on cereal, bread, canned vegetables, and fruit juices. Sodas are among the worst examples of concentrated sugar, while "diet" sodas and all artificial sweetners except stevia pose other potential risks.
On a scientific level,we have a lot to learn about sugar. But those of us who have issues with it know who we are. For us, it's best to think of sugar as a great thing to get out of our lives. Alcoholics in recovery learn that the fine cabernet we used to think made dinner special is an illusion. Happiness and and freedom come from leaving it alone. The sooner we learn to think of sugar in the same way, the better.
Losing weight and getting healthy takes an inner decision and a strategy you're willing to follow. You can find some great resources for that process in Kitty Rosati's books such as The Rice Diet Renewal. Blessings on your journey!
Aging Is Hard!
I don't know what to do about the steady decline of my energy, my looks and sometimes my memory. I reached 65 last October, and I feel like I'm sinking faster than some friends I've known ever since high school. Some of them have had facelifts, and gotten new, baby-faced partners. One of them travels constantly almost as if he'd die if he stayed home for awhile.
I don't want to divorce my husband or get a facelift, or spend all my time on the road. But I can see why people do things like that because getting older is so scary. Heads used to turn when I walked into a party, and even until somewhere in my 50's, men were always trying to proposition me or propose to me. Now, they look past me at parties, and even my husband seems to have lost interest in me romantically speaking. We used to have a really hot intimate life, so that really hurts.
In a way, I live a fortunate life. I'm healthy, and I get along with my grown daughters. I I love my two grandkids completely. I was an art major back in college, and I've been doing some painting and sculpture now. My husband and I have to live modestly, because we both lost our jobs last year. Between social security and our savings, we're doing okay.
Sometimes I think I'm depressed, because all the good things I just mentioned don't seem to add up to being happy at this stage of my life. Can a psychologist offer any help with this? You look too young to be worrying about these things, and that's another problem--I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My husband is quite a bit older than I am, and he thinks I should "enjoy your good luck," I wish I could.
---Feeling down in Portland
Aging Is Hard for Everyone
The bottom line about aging is that we are getting closer to the end of our lives each day, and all the things you mentioned deprive us of the ability to deny that challenging fact. Even if you are at peace with death--as I feel I am--the prospect of losing everything and everyone is formidable for all human beings. This fundamental fact calls on all of us to seek or strenthen our spiritual resources in every way possible. Consider beginning or deepening your involvment in a spiritual community; ritual, tradition and community support can be comforting. Explore poetry, music, art, mediation, nature and silence as possible paths.
Some of the challenges of being an older person in our youth obsessed society come from the culture, and some are self-inflicted. It is a fact that 99% of 65-year-old women get less male attention at 65 than they did at 40. (The 1% is reserved for our Tina Turners, Goldie Hawns and Jane Fondas). Our power lies is how we choose to react. We can learn to satisfy our needs for closeness and sweetness in other relationships--those with female and male friends, and with children, grandchildren and other loved ones.
Relationships with partners can deepen in surprising ways if they are given the right kind of attention. Breakthroughs are available any day that we shift from trying to remake our partners to giving them acceptance that's as unconditional as we can manage. Get help if you need it to get this process moving in the right direction.
Whether or not you have a partner, moving beyond the pursuit and conquest games of youth can be a blessing. LIke women, men of every age respond to kindness, humor and sincere interest in them as human beings. Lovely friendships can emerge when the game-playing is put away.
Your interest in painting and sculpture may take off if you give it attention. I myself have been blessed with a passionate and profound interest in music. I always had it, but now music is central to my life, and it fills me with joy. I sing and practice guitar everyday, and can't get enough of it. Try everything you can think of to develop and deepen your artistic skills and interest. Did you know that YouTube has endless lessons in painting, sculpture, music and almost everything else? Did you know that you can come close to getting a free college education on YouTube at khan academy?
The spiritual components of aging, again, are the most important of all. Seeking support, community and spiritual practices that touch you is so valuable. Don't forget reading the works of wise teachers. There is a reason thet holy books have retained their value over countless years.
Thank you for writing about this important subject. You speak for many!
Stepfamily Troubles
Dear Dr. Lee,
My husband's daughters seem to hate me! They're both teenagers, and they're furious at me because their parents aren't together any more. That's pretty unfair, because I didn't know either one of their parents until two years after their divorce. Just the same, both girls love to tell me things like "You're not my mom, and I don't have to do what you say!" Other favorites are "My mom would never do that," and "My mom cooks so much better than you do!"
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and we have a three year old son. I will say my stepdaughters are nice to our little boy, and i do appreciate that. They're not nice to me, though--hardly ever--and I've tried everything I can think of to reach them.
Do stepfamilies ever work out?
---Distressed in Toronto
Stepfamilies can work out, but it often takes a long time. Few people understand the complicated nature of families which begin with what amounts to a death--the death of a family. Almost all stepfamilies face huge challenges because of this, and few of them have good tools.
Your first (very difficult) task is not to take your stepdaughters too personally. They probably have a tremendous amount of grief, anger and confusion about their parents' divorce. You may be the only person they can afford to use as an object for those feelings; they've already lost their family, and probably feel anxious that they could lose either their mom or their dad.
I strongly recommend classes, books and support groups to learn about how others face and cope with similar challenges. Since you live in Toronto, you could start by contacting the Ontario Stepfamily Association to see what resources they can recommend. It would be good if your stepdaughters could know other teenagers in similar situations. Don't hesitate to consult a therapist or couples' counselor to get support.
Concentrate on keeping your relationship with your husband and son strong. Affirm your stepdaughters for being good to your little boy; you may be able to build upon that. They see that he is not responsible for their troubles. Eventually, they may come to see that you also are not.
Finally, try to arrange some times when your stepdaughters can be with their father alone. That kind of generosity can help with healing.
All the best to you and your family.
Q. Unsatisfying "pretty good" Sex
My wife and I have been together 14 years. Sex was great at first, and is still pretty good after all these years. I think I must be the one who's changed in a way that's causing a problem. I want more depth in our lovemaking now. Everything works fine mechanically, but a lot of times, I don't feel that good about her or our lovemaking during or after. I don't know what to do, or what to say to her about this. Am I weird? I guess a lot of guys would be happy just to have regular sex with a mostly willing partner. Can you help?
A. Why Sacred Sex Makes the Difference
It's all about going deeper. Our cultural messages about sex are very narrow at best and destructive at worst. So many sources teach us to think about sex in terms of numbers, sizes of body parts and comparisons. I call it "report card sex" when couples make love while worrying if they're doing it "right," and ask each other afterward for a grade. ("How was it for you this time, Honey?")
In sacred sex, you stay aware that this time together is a precious opportunity to express your loving essence. You teach each other that there is no way to do it wrong, because there's no blueprint that has to be followed. This does not mean you can't be bawdy or outrageous at times. Instead, it means accepting a much wider range of possibilities and outcomes. My book, Ecstatic Lovemaking explores the sacred sexuality approach in depth, and shows you how to apply it to specific issues in your intimate life. It's available on our Books and Reports page.
You can also learn a lot by just following this Advice Blog, and emailing us your own questions.
Wishing you and your wife more and more joy as you grow!
Q. My Marriage Is So Disappointing!
My husband and I have been married for 19 years. It was sweet and passionate when we started out--I guess that's everyone's story. Now we can hardly stand each other. The smallest interaction bring up major anger on both sides.
We've had awful money problems for a few years now, and I almost hate him because he hasn't done anything about it. I know this isn't fair, but I have not been able to make myself feel something "fair." I do what I can to earn money, but it's never very much, never enough. He does the same, but it makes me completely furious that we're on the verge of going bankrupt and our kids have to wear shoes with holes in them. I think he's furious at me too because I used to have a full time job until I got laid off. I haven't been able to find a new one in a year and a half of looking. Being 55 doesn't help with that.
When I was growing up, my dad supported our family. My mom worked just as hard making a profession out of cleaning, cooking, shopping and managing the household budget. If we had been even close to going bankrupt, my dad would have taken a second job or whatever it took. I guess my sister and I were very lucky that we never knew anything but the consistency of a modest but clean home and a secure life.
I realize that was a different time and place, but the tradition seems to be ingrained in me. I never thought I could be as angry as I am at my husband as I feel almost every day. If it weren't for my kids, I probably would have already left because feeling this miserable most of the time seems worse than being divorced.
Is there any hope for us?
A. You Are One of Millions
These are terrible times for millions of families! More than ten million U.S. homes are under water and in danger of foreclosure. This unprecedented stress is taking its toll on marriages and families. In my work as a couples counselor, I hear stories like yours regularly.
Unfortunately, very few couples have the skills to deal with the turbulent feelings that come up when your entire financial life is threatened. Blaming each other is a default emotion for most couples. It's the same phenomenon that causes fighting in the ghetto--unbearable stress gets taken out on whoever is handy. I mention that by way of an invitation to both of you to rethink that hair trigger response. And yes, clearer thinking can help in this situation.
Start with the fact that neither you nor your husband is responsible for the economic mess our country is in. Letting those who are responsible eviscerate your family too would be a real shame. New skills are needed--new skills for communication, for dissolving blame, and for earning more money in these troubled times.
Help is available in all these areas. One option is to call a university psychology training program in your area to arrange an appointment with a low-fee intern. Sometimes they are very talented, and they are always supervised by licensed mental health professionals. Another option is to work with someone like me who may work with you by Skype or phone at a lower cost, no matter where you live. For financial help, do a Google search for the kind of help you need. Some of the possibilities are Legal Aid, the Small Business Administration, the Neighborhood Assistance Corporation of America (NAC), and more Planned Parenthood for free or low cost medical help.
Finding a group of other people facing similar issues can be very helpful in learning that you are most definitely not alone and not to blame in your situation. It can also be empowering to learn what others are finding helpful.
Finally, use this time as encouragement to go deeper individiually and in your relationtionship. Look for ways to develop your spiritual life, whether through a traditional place of worship or through meditation, poetry, music or extra time in nature. It's best not to make any irrevocable decisions about your marriage while you are in such a stressful time. You may end up looking back with pride that your relationship survived such a difficult time. If you do end up divorcing, as a gift to yourselves and your children, get professional help to do it kindly and respectfully. If there is such a thing as a good divorce, it certainly involves forgiveness and mutual acceptance of responsibility.
Q. My husband and I stayed together!
Dear Dr. Lee,
I so appreciate your wisdom, especially as you show it on your blog at The Rumi Secret. My husband and I had such a long struggle to find each other again, as you put it in your free report. Good job, by the way. I'm not writing for advice, but just to complement you on your work and to say that I agree from own experience that sticking with a relationship pays off over time. My husband and I even separated for a year at one point. We were just so discouraged, and we both had lots of romantic ideas about how it was supposed to be. The ideas and the actual relationship seemed to be completely different! We had a lot of conflict, and not much fun and not much passion for several years. We were going through financial problems and family problems at the time.
My husband and I got back together five years ago, and it's been kind of like a new relationship since then. We still have challenges of course, but our love and our bond is really deep, and we both know it. It's wonderful! Now I think my mom was right when she told me that once I married, I should never give up on my husband no matter what.
Why do you think more people don't understand how this works?
----Finally Happy
A. The Value of Commitment
I think it takes most of us a long time to realize that the real issue in relationship happiness is often within ourselves, not the other person. In other words, if I feel that I don't love my partner, I need to understand that it's my failure to love that is the problem. So when couples come to see me wondering if they'd be happier with someone else, I tell them that my bias is to encourage them to do everything they can to heal and save the relationship they have. I've had the joy of facilitating truly moving breakthroughs when couples finally surrender their agendas for their partner and allow themselves to experience the sometimes humbling sweetness in the person they wake up with every morning.
On the other hand, if divorce and remarriage have already taken place, I encourage total forgiveness and full release of the past. Acceptance of change --whether chosen or not--is key to all forms of lasting happiness.
Whatever our age and stage of life, we all have the opportunity to begin to learn the lesson of looking in the mirror to see where changes need to occur, and where we have the ability to make them. Your experience shows that those who have the courage to stay committed over time rarely regret it.
Congratulations on your success and thanks for writing
Q. I can't perform!
I used to be an insatiable lover, but since I got into my mid-50's things have changed.
I've had some problems with my prostate, and I've lost my erection a few times. This never used to happen. Never! Now I find myself more and more reluctant to even approach my wife because I'm afraid of a humiliating outcome. I've never even thought of seeing a sex therapist, and I'm not comfortable talking about this with my doctor who I've known for years, and sometimes see in social situations. My big question to you is this: Is it all downhill from here? By the way, I don't smoke or drink and I'm not overweight. I thought all this clean living would give me better results.
Very worried in El Cerrito, CA
A. Prepare for Change, But Don't Panic
Your sex life is definitely not over. Saying that at 55, you've never lost an erection means that you've been unusual. Most men do experience erection loss from time to time, even in their 20's. Often too much alcohol or the cumulative effects of smoking are the culprits. (I often think that if men understood clearly that smoking and impotence are linked, they would loose interest in smoking very quickly.) With alcohol, it's important to know that any more than a minimal amount can interfere with erections. Depending on your size and tolerance, that might mean one small glass of wine; none would be better.
Any major changes in sexual functioning should be evaluated by a knowledgeable physician such as a urologist. Since you're not comfortable seeing your regular doc, it would be a good idea to make an appointment with another one, and have yourself checked out. Tell him about any medications you take, as well as the whole the whole story of erections past and recent. Blood pressure meds, some anti-depressants, and other meds and conditions can cause reduced libido or erection problems.
Once that's done, it's time to work with your partner about new ways to make love. Did you know that you can satisfy a woman really well without an erection at all? She may not know this either, or she may be one of those women who quietly prefers other ways of reaching orgasm; this is a good time to experiment with oral loving, sex toys, new positions and other ways to play. The idea is not to give up on erections, but to take the pressure off. Creating safety is the first goal. That means restructuring your sex life so that there's no way to fail.
Please write again, if you want clarification of any of these points, or contact me to set up telephone email help. You can also find details in my book Ecstatic Lovemaking: An Intimate Guide to Soulful Sex.
Take heart. This is just part of the journey.
Q. The Value of Persistence In Healing a Marriage
My Husband and myself just celebrated 27 years of marriage.. I must say we have faced many a challenge over the years including separating for almost a year; during our time apart from one another we sought counseling 2 times a week and just kept going back until I believe we resolved our issues, either that, or we became so exhausted from all the therapy...ahhaahaa... Today, we're more in love with one another than ever before.
Finally Happy in Austin
A. Thank you for sharing your example of the wisdom of hanging in there over time. I;m so glad that you both are enjoying the fruits of your hard work at last!
In their extremely valuable book I Will Never Leave You, Hugh and Gayle Prather present a compelling case for accepting this partner, this situation, this challenge. "This partner will do," they say, before showing that the real work of marriage is learning to practice kindness, gentleness and friendship with the one you've promised to cherish. It's also about working on yourself--sometimes for a long period--until your partner catches up.
It's a hard road at times, and there can be situations where hanging in there is not the best choice. For example where violence is threatened or where there is sustained verbal or emotional abuse, getting support in leaving may be best. Affairs and addiction are complex; getting professional help with these is a good idea.
Although exceptions like those above exist, those of us who counsel couples over many years get a chance to see that healing of even the most difficult problems can and does occur.
Q. Why Does My Husband's Ex-wife Keep Calling Him?
My husband and I have been married for 18 years. He says I'm the first woman he's ever been really committed to. I believe him, but what bothers me is that his ex-wife has never really disappeared from his life like I wish she would. She keeps in touch with his kids (who are grown now) and even with his parents. She's told him in the past she wanted to keep in touch with him too by phone and email. I asked him not to do that, and he hasn't. But it annoys me that she calls his parents when they're sick, and in other ways keeps acting like they're all still a family.
Twenty years ago, after they split up, she asked him if he'd consider getting back together. I always worry that that might be her secret agenda. She's told him that she's happily married now, and that they're all too old to hold on to old grudges. I don't trust her though. Shouldn't people who are divorced keep their distance?
A. Don't Be A Barrier to Family Healing
The wounds divorce causes are long and deep. I believe that those of us who have put children through such pain, owe it to those children to model forgiveness and letting go of the past. You could help your husband give this gift to his children by moving beyond your old fears. Since he's fully committed to you, and since the ex-wife is happily married, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Being a barrier to family healing might be something you'll regret in the long run.
In the bad old days, people who got divorced felt so guilty they had to justify their actions by telling themselves and everyone else that the former partner was a bad person; the truth is that in the huge majority of cases both parties share the responsibility for a marriage that didn't work out. Maturity should involve recognizing this and taking responsibility for it. One thing that means is letting children of any age know that the other party is a good person who cares for them, and that they don't have to feel guilty about having an on-going relationship with a parent, step-parent or new partner.
While showing adult children that their parents and stepparents are friendly now does not fix everything for the kids, it does teach them the value of forgiveness and letting go of the past. That lesson will stand them in good stead in their own lives.
Look deeply into your own heart, and see if you really want to stand for keeping old grudges alive forever. You might even make contact with the ex-wife yourself. Some former and current spouses forge friendships that make a powerful statement on the value of forgiving the past and living in the present.
Fair Weather Friend?
A few months ago, one of my women friends ("Carey") told me she didn't want to be friends anymore. I was really shocked, hurt, and confused.
The thing is, Carey and I had not had any kind of argument; nothing bad had happened between us. We've been friends for several years, have had hundreds of conversations about almost everything. We've spent holidays together, and our husband are friends too.
The only new thing was that Carey was going through some hard times with depression and [some medical and medicine issues]. She's been through these things before, but apparently there was some extra problem with one of her medicines, She was feeling rotten and said talking to "someone like you" wasn't helping. I felt really bad about that. I wanted to help her, but I didn't know how.
To me, women friends are one of the great gifts of life. I always say, "How would we get through life without our women friends?" and most of the women I know agree. I've never had a girlfriend "break-up" with me before, and it's not something I could ever imagine doing to any of my friends. It would take some really terrible behavior like harming one of my kids for me to even consider dropping a friend cold, instead of trying to work things out.
I'm writing to you now because I heard that Carey is still having trouble with her medical situation, and still not feeling like herself. I feel bad for her. I know she isolates herself sometimes when she's feeling this way, and then she feels worse. I like to help, but I don't feel welcome to try, and I certainly don't want to make things worse.
Can you suggest anything?
Uncertain in L.A.
Dear Uncertain,
You are not the cause of Carey's situation, and you can't solve it either. The medical and medicine issues you describe in the part of your email I did not print require competent management by a skilled physician which I hope your friend has.
Give Carey as much time and space as she needs to work things out, and let her know you're willing (if you are) to resume the friendship later on if she wants to. Meanwhile, do your best to forgive her for hurting you, and realize that it was never about you.
One powerful spiritual practice in situations like this is to hold the other person in love in your heart for as long as it takes. Whenever she comes to mind, send her love and support at a heart level. Don't criticize yourself for any feelings you may have ("How could she treat me that way?"), but don't linger there either. Just gently bring yourself back to a place of love and acceptance toward her.
Eventually, you'll be in touch again, and your loving attitude will be the best gift you can give her. Carey has her reasons for her choices. Let her know you respect those choices even if you don't understand them.
If your friendship with Carey never really heals, offer more of yourself to others. You are sure to find other friends who want support, gentleness and kindness.
He Wants Sex Every Day!
My fiance and I are struggling over sexual frequency. When we first got together a year ago, we had sex every day. I was so in love and in lust with him, that I just couldn't get enough. He's a wonderful lover, and maybe my soul mate. He told me then that he had almost given up looking for a woman who loved sex as much as he did and wanted to have it just as often. When he said that, we both thought I was that woman.
Things changed when we got back home. We both have jobs and friends and responsibilities. We kept on having sex a lot, but the frequency gradually got a little less.
After a year, I realize that three times a week is about right for me. I love him just as much and I love our sex life. But I have a full life, lots of friends, and a demanding job. I need my sleep, and I guess I don't really want to spend as much emotional and physical energy on sex as my fiance does.
I'm sad because he's disappointed in me now. He hints about finding other lovers; he even "joked" that two women who each wanted sex twice a week would "almost" be enough for him. I didn't think that was funny at all. What to do? Can you help?
------Berkeley graduate student
Frequency Issues Are Nearly Universal
In my 22 years as a psychologist specializing in couples counseling, I've found no long-term couples who have exactly the same frequency preferences. That's just as normal as the fact that no two people want exactly the same things to eat and the same quantity of food every day. Also, food and sex preferences are not static. As the writer shows, anyone may prefer more or less sex according to life circumstances, health, medications, hormones, state of the relationship and other factors.
What determines the effect of the inevitable difference in preferences is the story you tell yourselves. The whole relationship can be threatened if the story is "I don't think this person can or wants to meet my deepest needs." A much more helpful story focuses on the positive, such as "We have a great sexual relationship. Let's work on negotiating our differences."
The second story acknowledges basic principles such as these:
1) Differences are inevitable.
2) Lasting relationships involve learning to love a real person, not demanding that our partners fit our preconceived ideas of what we want.
3) A great sex life is more about quality than quantity, though quantity can usually be increased by mutual choice when partners learn certain skills and attitudes.
4) Redefining "sex" to include more of the vast number of ways to be physically intimate provides a foundation for the new skill set.
Living Like Brother and Sister
Dear Dr. Victoria,
My wife and I live like brother and sister most of the time, and I'm really steamed about it. I never signed up for a sexless marriage, and frankly I feel like I'm living half a life because of it. I'm 52 years old, and far from ready to give up sex. We used to do it at least a couple of times a week (and that was never enough for me), but since my wife started going through menopause, she says she's lost her desire. The funny thing is that when we do make love, it's great for me and it seems great for her. She'll say things like "I'd almost forgotten how good we are together in bed." But then it will be weeks till she shows interest again. Can you help me understand what's going on and what I can do about it?
Unsatisfied, Washington, D.C.
How to Bring Back Passion
Dear Unsatisfied,
Your problem exists in countless households across the nation. It absolutely can be fixed. Most likely, you're going to need the intervention of a skilled third party to help you reverse things and get going again in the direction of more frequent lovemaking. Consult a skilled local couples counselor who's experienced with sexual issues if you can. Another option is to work with me via Skype, phone and email.
When sexual frequency declines so much, we start with some detective work. I'd ask your wife to talk to her gynecologist about hormones, thyroid, depression and menopause. I'd want to know if she's experiencing any pain with sex; simple vaginal dryness can be corrected by using a lubricant like Astroglide, but there can be more complex reasons. If you were experiencing a significant drop in desire too, I'd suggest medical evaluation for you as well.
Once medical issues have been ruled out or addressed, I'd begin to work with the two of you together. I'd want to know that you have all the information you need at this new stage of your life. One example is the fact that both men and women often need significantly more foreplay as they age. Many people experience less of the old sense of urgency for sex as they age. This rarely means that sexual ability has been lost. It just takes longer to awaken them. This can be interpreted as "not in the mood." With practice, she may learn a new interpretation: "It takes me awhile to warm up to sex. Let's set aside some time to cuddle and play, and see what develops." If you strive to create periods of sweet closeness, these can be valuable in themselves, and they can also open the door to more times when passion develops.,
This is just the beginning. Please write again if you have more questions.
He Won't Take Time for Sex
Dear Dr. Victoria,
My husband just won't make time for sex. He claims to be eager to rebuild our sex life, which has gone down hill since our second daughter was born 9 months ago. But he fills all our available time with kids, dogs, TV, computer stuff and exercise. When it gets close to bedtime, he's "burnt," or, believe it or not, he has a headache.
This is not the man I married 10 years ago. In those days, he'd gladly give up sleep, eating or anything else for sex. I'm still trim and hungry for him, and I love him. So what could be the problem? A couple of times, he's lost his erection, which upset him a lot more than it upset me. Could this have anything to do with it?
----Unsatisfied in Manhattan
Erections and Time Issues:
Most couples experience time issues around sex, especially if they are parents. Everyone needs some down time, and some time for themselves. As these get harder to arrange, sex may get pushed aside; negotiation and accepting the fact that dates of all kinds must be scheduled rather than spontaneous can help.
Lost erections can be devastating for a man if he tells himself the wrong kind of story. "I'm over the hill," or "Something's wrong with me; I'm losing it," are examples of this.
The best response to a lost erection is this true statement: "This happens to every man, and it's not lost forever." Just as a woman's passion ebbs and flows, so does a man's. The easiest course of action is to enjoy one of the many possibilities that don't require an erection. Come back later or on another occasion and see what happens.
Another possibility is that he's reached the point where he needs more direct stimulation to his penis. You can provide this or he can do it himself.
Try to take an overnight together, or make the time to share your feelings about this. Let him know that you want him, and that you're open to various ways to enjoy lovemaking. Don't allow this to become a big "sex problem." It's a normal and almost universal variation in a long relationship.
Thanks for having the courage to write. You've spoken for countless other couples as well as yourselves.
My Husband Doesn't Want Me
I'm 50 and my husband is 54. He seems to need much less sex than I do, which is strange because it used to be the other way around with my ex and me. Now that I've finally found a man who seems just right for me, everything works except sex. He's had some medical and emotional hard times, and he thinks that's why he just doesn't have much interest anymore. I know he loves me, and he's good to me in every other way, but I hate the thought that my sex life is more or less over. I was hoping to keep going indefinitely like my grandmother and my mom did. What to do?
--Discouraged in San Diego
Have the Courage to Get Help
Most people assume that sex will be a regular thing up through their 40's, but after 50 there are physical and emotional changes that lead a lot of people to give up on sex much earlier than they need to. It 's actually quite reasonable to think of continuing to have an enjoyable intimate life well into your 80's or even 90's. It takes openness and flexibility, because sex at 75 will not be the same as sex at 55, just as sex at 50 won't be the same as at 30. Different does not need to mean less enjoyable or less wonderful.
A friend of mine who is a cancer survivor said "I found out that you can have orgasms even if you have cancer!" An 82-year-old I know said "I'm just as interested in being with a naked woman as I ever was, but since my wife died I don't get many chances." What most people don't seem to realize is that the ability to enjoy loving touch is built into our DNA. Even a paralyzed person can express this with a cooperative partner.
Your husband's emotional and medical history suggest a need for healing of wounds that may be deep. Seeking out that healing is something he probably fears, but would greatly benefit from. Encourage him to see a caring, supportive therapist alone or with you. He can also use the tools available here at coupleswisdom.com. Order the reports, watch the videos and sign up for our classes and webinars. It's never too late for healing or for sexual joy.
Blessings to you both!
My Boyfriend is Pressuring Me
I'm 18, and I feel I'm not ready for sex. I am in love though, and my boyfriend has been waiting more or less patiently for almost a year. I do love him, and I'm very attracted to him. I love making out and doing a lot of different things with him. He's a virgin too, so I'm not worried about getting a disease or anything.
I don't really know what I'm worried about. I just don't want to feel rushed into anything so important. What's your advice?
Trust Your Instincts
Trust your feelings. They are meant to guide you. If you have doubts about sexual activity, you should pay attention to them. When you are really ready for sex, you will know it, and you won't doubt it.
There's more than sexually transmitted disease to be concerned about. The most obvious is unplanned pregnancy. Unless you are using a more or less foolproof method like the pill, pregnancy is always a possibility especially when you are young and very fertile.
Condoms can break. Diaphragms can become dislodged. Foam and sponges are not totally reliable. So responsible sexual choices include knowing how you will prevent pregnancy, and what you will do if your methods fail.
Hopefully you know that the "I'll-pull-out-in-time" method is totally unreliable. Don't even think about that one. There's a pre-ejaculate fluid that comes out of the penis before the man's orgasm. The sperm in that fluid can make you pregnant even if he "pulls out" before his climax.
But let's assume you have the birth control issue handled. A more subtle concern for a young woman is that early sexual experiences like this are very likely to mean something different to him and to you. To him, it will be an enjoyable initiation into becoming a man. Even if he finds out that he has a lot to learn about being a good lover, he will be glad about having sex, and will feel good about himself.
For you, the outcome is less certain. He probably won't know how to satisfy you, unless you have studied that matter, and can teach him what he needs to know. He won't know how to make sure you have a good experience. Also, he won't necessarily feel closer and more in love with you afterward, but you will likely feel that way toward him. It's just the nature of things. So if you feel more in love, but that's not reciprocated, you may be very hurt.
I'm sorry that your boyfriend probably won't like my answer. I don't mean to diminish him in any way when I tell you these things. I believe that he's a good person, and that he loves you. It's just that males and females are different.
Some women need a real commitment before opening themselves up in this profound way. Almost all women need to feel safe and confident that that they can handle whatever develops. Get to know yourself still more, and you'll discover what your truth is about this.
Blessings to both of you!
Single, Lonely and Old
Dear Dr. Victoria,
I'm single, male, and lonely, and I've sort of given up finding a partner. My kids are grown, and my ex is remarried. I can't face going to singles dances at this stage of the game. The match.com crowd seems weird; other men my age (63) say they want to date women in their 40's. Not me--those kids don't remember JFK!
I've thought of myself as a young radical ever since I marched against the Vietnam war. I was in the Peace Corps too. I remember exactly where I was when JFK was shot, and I know the lyrics to every song the Beetles and Joan Baez, James Taylor ever sang. I've written a few poems myself, but they've never seen the light of day. The guys at my firm would find them laughable, I'm sure.
I guess my real problem is I don't know how to get old. I'll never be rich (though I have enough to get by), and I have bad knees and no hair. It's too late for the stuff I dreamed of when I was young--becoming a famous guitar player, adopting kids from ten countries, writing a great novel, helping people with HIV in Africa, or playing tennis professionally.
Since you're brave enough to say you can give advice--I thought shrinks didn't give advice--tell me this: How can I make some sense out of my life at this late date?
San Francisco lawyer who meant to be a poet
Dear Poet-in-hiding,
It's not too late to find a partner, write a novel, or put a video of yourself playing the guitar on YouTube. Most of all, it's not too late to serve, and that's the true path to joy.
60 really is the new 40 in terms of the opportunities that are open to you now, especially if you're mostly healthy and have enough money. I love to help people like you find the passion they've been missing; it's really a delight to be part of that process. A big part of what I do is to hold the vision for you until you can believe in it yourself. I mean the vision of you finding yourself in this new way--finding out that you can use this season of your life to discover amazing ways to contribute and have the joy of that.
You have a point about "shrinks" and advice. When I'm doing psychotherapy, I avoid advice giving almost all the time. That's because the purpose of therapy is for the patient to find their own truth--not mine. In this Advice Blog though, my purpose is to provide some insight and wisdom to people who may never have the chance to go on the journey therapy provides.
Thanks for writing and may you find the courage to discover more of yourself.
What Happened to My Libido?
Questions about libido are one the main subjects both men and women email to this advice blog. Here are 4 examples:
Q. (39 year-old man):
I've lost my libido! My wife and I had great sex for the first few years we were married. Two kids and 11 years later, we're sexually bored. We make love once a month now if we're lucky. She says she wants more sex too, but when I try to get something going, she's not interested. I don't try that often because I don't feel that turned on myself most of the time. Why is that? I'm a healthy middle-aged guy with a pretty wife I love, but when I have free time, I'd rather watch sports. What's wrong with me?
Q. (32 year-old woman):
Ever since my second daughter was born, my interest in sex has almost disappeared. My husband is very upset about this, and he never lets me forget it. He says he didn't sign up to "give up sex when we decide to become parents." He says we should be able to have both. I agree, but I just don't have the urge anymore.
Q. (55 year-old woman):
When I went through menopause, I lost my interest in sex. I feel awful about it, because sex was always important to me. Now it hurts sometimes, and I don't feel much desire anyway. Some of my friends say their sex life got better than ever after menopause. What's wrong with me? what happened to my libido?
Q. (60 year old man):
I don't know why I can't keep my erections anymore, but it makes not want to have sex. It's too humiliating. A man should be able to perform when he has a willing wife like I do. You say in your home page video that you can get your sex life back. Can I get my libido back?
=======================================================
A. This answer is for all of the 4 letters above.
You Can't Lose Your Ability to Enjoy Loving Touch
Feelings of sexual desire vary like the weather in most people. They're affected by physical and emotional and cultural factors. One thing to know is that your ability to enjoy loving touch is built into your DNA. You can't lose it.
Desire and erections and orgasms, though, can be affected by hormonal changes, medications, and general health and energy levels. That's the physical part, and that's why I recommend seeing a knowledgeable physician who can evaluate those physical factors. Sometimes, additional testosterone or changing a blood pressure medicine can have dramatic results. Some women may receive a prescription for testosterone cream. It can make a big difference.
Having a lubricant like Astroglide or Probe on your bedside table is important. Use it freely. Sex should not hurt!
Emotional factors are crucial too. Unresolved anger is probably the biggest sexual barrier here. Undiagnosed depression is another. Poor communication between partners is still another. You can learn better communication skills here on this site.
Cultural factors can affect you in subtle ways. If you grew up believing that great sex is only for the young before having kids, you'll tend to think you're over the hill later on when you're actually just experiencing one of the low points in your cycle of desire.
Action step:
Make a plan with your partner to spend 3 short periods this week touching with each other with no goal. Agree in advance not to go on to intercourse. Just allow yourselves to enjoy nurturing mutual touch. This is a classic exercise from sex therapy. It can open new doors!
How to Seduce a Man
Dear Dr. Victoria,
Last night around 3 AM I tried to seduce my husband. It's been weeks since we've made love, and this really bothers me. I took off my clothes and started touching him in an intimate way. I'm pretty sure he woke up, but he didn't say anything, and he didn't respond. I've read that most women aren't willing to initiate, but I'm not one of them. It doesn't seem to get me anywhere though. Ever since he lost his job last year, he seems to have lost his sex drive too. I'm worried about our marriage. What can I do?
-----Discouraged in San Diego
Successful Seduction
Seducing a man is easiest if you take the direct, visual approach. Take some of your clothes off in front of him while he's wide awake. Remind him in words of how exciting you find him as a lover. Let him know he doesn't have to fear rejection if responds or if he initiates himself. Then take the risk of initiating not once but as many times as it takes. If you do that with love and kindness, he'll respond eventually. On the other hand, a "you owe me this" approach from either side of the bed is a big turn-off.
Many of the couples I'm seeing during our current economic downturn are finding that financial problems are often lethal in the bedroom. Loss of libido can be a miserable side effect of worries about job loss, foreclosure, large debts or even bankruptcy. This is especially true for men, who often value themselves in direct proportion to how successful they are as providers.
Getting Your Sex Life Back
Since lovemaking is an absolutely free source of joy and pleasure for couples, it's a shame to give up sexual delight during hard times. A good way to start getting your sex life back is to ask your husband to agree to a daily connection time together. This can be only 5 minutes, but make it consistent and completely positive. Sit together quietly, or meditate, or pray, or touch each other with no goal. This practice alone can get the juices running again. Once they are, expressing caring and kindness through touch will always build your marriage.
A Bad lover
My wife thinks I'm a "C+ lover!" Last week, I heard her talking to her best friend about me. It really bothered me, but I haven't said anything to her because I don't know what to say. I'm pretty sure part of my lousy grade is that she hardly ever comes when we have sex. We had been married more than 10 years when I found that out. She always told me she enjoyed sex, so I thought she was satisfied too. When she finally told me, she said she has orgasms by herself, "but pretty much never with you." Wow! That was awful to hear.
I guess I don't know what I should be doing. I'm not one of those guy who comes in two minutes. I can last awhile, and I try to touch her in the places she likes before we start intercourse. So what is it I don't know?
---Confused husband in Phoenix
Female Orgasm Unlocked
Dear Confused:
Take a look at the video on our Sexual Solutions page. It explains that in order to reach orgasm, many women need around 15 minutes or more of clitoral touching that's just the right pressure and angle and rhythm for her that time. That 15 minutes can include any kind of stimulation she likes--oral, your hand, her hand, intercourse or toys. Many couples find that the woman on top position makes this a lot easier, because she can control the angle and pressure and rhythm more easily.
Being a skillful lover includes being able to help your partner reach orgasm, but that's just part of it. The ability to connect heart energy to the body is what really makes the difference. That means learning to express loving emotions through both words and actions during sex. Most women (and many men) need to feel emotionally close to their partners in order to really enjoy lovemaking. Having some "foretalk" before lovemaking is a good idea. Telling each other what you're feeling right now in the moment opens the door to closeness.
Report on female orgasm:
To learn everything you need to know about female orgasm, order Female Orgasm Unlocked from our Books, Reports and Products page.
You are not alone. Millions of couples struggle with these very issues. Thanks for speaking for them.
My Husband Wants Out
Dear Dr. Victoria:
My husband says he wants a divorce! He told me yesterday he doesn't see any reason to stay married. He says we're not attracted to each other anymore, we fight or ignore each other most of the time, and he didn't get married to be bored like this! He says there's no one else, but I'm not sure I believe him.
I told him there are three reasons to stay married--our two daughters, and his son. He says staying married for the kids is something people don't do anymore, and kids with divorced parents have plenty of company. He's not from a broken home like I am, so he doesn't know what kids go through when their parents split.
We sleep in the same bed, but I go to sleep early and he goes to sleep late. We gave up on sex months ago after he complained that I've gained weight, and I told him not to touch me then if I'm so repulsive to him. He tried to take it back and apologize, but I was too mad and hurt to let him. I've always found a lot to dislike about my body, so knowing that my own husband was thinking critical thoughts about me when we made love was something I couldn't stand.
We can't afford to see a marriage counselor, and he wouldn't go anyway. How can I convince him that we need to try to save our marriage? We used to be in love, but I don't know if we can ever get that back.
--Anxious in Newark
Coming Back to Love
Dear Anxious,
As long as the problems don't involve violence, abuse, or untreated disabling addiction, saving a marriage is almost always better than throwing it away. I can personally attest that couples can and do come back to love again after facing every kind of challenge: sickness, affairs, problem kids, feelings of lost libido, every kind of sexual problem, years of not communicating, anger, resentments, boredom, feelings of attraction to others, financial problems, war injuries, and much more.
It's harder to do without professional help, but it can be done. One of the reasons I created coupleswisdom.com was so that couples like you could have a source of the tools and information most people get only if they are able to see a skilled professional.
Here are two steps anyone can use to start improving their relationship today:
1. Seek deep guidance. While professional counselors have a lot to offer you, there are deeper, spiritual sources of wisdom. If you are religious, or have done meditation or other spiritual practices, seek out those ways to get in touch with the most loving parts of yourself. If you are not religious, reading sacred poetry and prose can begin to open your heart. Two examples are Stephen Mitchell's translations called The Enlightened Heart, and The Enlightened MInd. Reflecting on the deeper part of your relationship can deepen your closeness.
2. Ask your partner to do apologies and appreciations with you. Tell him this can help you have a better day today, regardless of what decision you ultimately make about the marriage.
In this simple exercise, each of you speaks without interruption for five minutes. First you make any apologies you think are needed. Then ask him if there's anything else he'd like you to apologize for. Do your best to meet his requests. Then take several minutes to voice your appreciations for him; include the things you appreciate, but forget to mention. Then ask if there's anything else he'd like you to acknowledge, and add those. If he's willing, now reverse the process.
Using the tools on this site can make a big difference. Be sure to sign up for the free report on the home page.
If your husband sticks to his "I want out" position, though, don't give up on marriage counseling. Most professionals do some low fee work, and many have skilled interns whose fees are lower. Many clergy are trained in counseling and provide low cost services. Professionals choose this work because they want to help, so don't hesitate to ask for it.
Go alone if your husband won't go. One partner can start making changes in a way that soon draws the other in.
I wish you courage and persistence; these are always the keys to marital success!
