Email Sex Advice by professional sex therapist and psychologist, Dr. Victoria Lee. Also Skype, Facetime, phone and face-to-face. Over a long career, I think I have heard and addressed most sexual issues. I can provide information with support and understanding.
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Here's an example of a request for information.
E D at 38?
Dr. Lee, Why is my 38-year-old husband losing his erections???? We have had a great sex life for the last 5 years, but after a late party a few weeks ago, he lost his erection for the first time ever--with me at least. He says it's never happened before, and he's very worried about it. He says he's heard that once something like this starts, things just get worse. I'm wondering if maybe he's gay, or if he's just not attracted to me any more. Is he right? Are things going to get worse?
Losing Erections Is a Normal Variation, not a "sex problem."
"After a party" appears in a surprising number of accounts of the first time a man loses his erection. Usually, achohol is involved. While drinking can help a shy man try things he would otherwise avoid, alchohol can decrease the quality and reliability of erections, especially in mature men (but in young ones as well).
Many cases of so-called "E D," are really cases of performance anxiety. A man loses his erection once--whether due to fatigue, anxiety, alcohol, medication or other reasons--and then he starts to worry about it. Constant worry ("Will I lose it this time?" "Am I about to lose it?" "Will she be upset if I lose it?") interferes with sexual response. A parallel situation can occur with a woman who's constantly worrying about whether she will have an orgasm.
All men and women have ebbs and flows in their sexual response. A woman may be very aroused, and then hear her baby cry in another room. For the moment, she may lose her arousal. Once the baby has been attended to and lovemaking is resumed, her arousal will probably return. Similarly, a man may be very aroused in a way that shows in the state of his penis. Then something known or unknown may cause the penis to soften. This is only a problem if you think it is. It does not mean he's gay or ill or suddenly no longer attracted to his partner.
Just choose from the hundreds of other ways to play, love, and express yourselves. Becoming skilled in bringing the woman to orgasm through oral or other touch can relieve anxiety because "She Comes First." That's the title of a great book by Ian Kerner. There are disabled men who cannot have erections at all who still learn to provide abundant pleasure and satisfaction to their partners.
It's really time we liberated men from the constant pressure to be sure their penises "perform" on demand!
Sex Worker Concerns
I've been working for an escort service for 2 years. One of the "options" we are expected to "choose" sometimes, is going home with the customer after a night on the town. Once there, we are supposed to make him happy enough that he will call the service again. I get very well paid on this job, and so far none of the men have been threatening or violent. But things like that have happened to other girls who work for the same service, and who picked the wrong guy to go home with. Another problem is that my relationship with my boyfriend has really suffered since I've had this job. When I've spent the evening flattering and charming a customer--even if I didn't go home with him--I really don't want to come home and do more of the same. My boyfriend says I should think about getting another job. He knows and I know I could never make the same kind of money on any job I could get with my AA degree and not much experience. Do you think the risks are worth all the money I'm making?
No, I don't think this job is a good idea for you. If your job was really just being a pretty dinner date for visiting businessmen, that would be one thing; it would still need careful consideration. But when the job involves sex with strangers, the cost to your lifelong happiness, your romantic life, and your sex life is too great. Even if that were not the case, going home with a stranger and risking a violent attack is not a choice you should make. Risking acquiring an STD is another concern. Even safe sex methods like always using a condom do not make you completely safe. (Condoms can break, and they can be removed.)
Many sex workers believe that they can somehow separate their sex "work" from the rest of their life, but most are not really able to do this. For many men and most women, sex touches us so deeply, that it's unlikely to have the ability to put it out of your mind and go back to your regular life and your actual relationships.
It's hard to struggle financially when you know there's (seemingly) easy money out there. Most of the time, easy money comes at too high a price. I believe this is one of those times.
Lots of Couples Are Not Having Sex
"We have been married for 3 years, but we are still virgins."
"My husband seems to loose interest half-way through lovemaking. Then we stop and never finish. I don't know what to do, I want to have a baby."
"We are only in our forties, but we haven't had sex since our daughter was born 12 years ago."
Ever since I came out as a lesbian to my parents, my girlfriend of 3 years has become distant, and doesn't want to make love very often. She says I should have talked it over with her first. She feels like my parents are suspicious of her now that they know we're not just roommates. I thought she'd be proud, but instead she says she's not sure if she can trust me now.
I've grouped these separate statements above, to show how common it is for couples of all kinds to be missing out of a deeply satisfying sex life. I've had clients who were married for decades without having sex. I find it sad that so many people feel unable to enjoy this uniquely sweet part of life. Perhaps this will help to show that while the ability to enjoy loving touch is built into all human beings, most of us have to learn skills and practice them if we want to fully realize our potential.
My wife has lost interest in sex.
My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years. It's a second marriage for both of us. We were in our 30's when we met. Our sex life was outstanding until our first child was born. With the second, it got worse as far as frequency and experimentation were concerned. Now, we are in our 50's, and our kids (who are great, by the way) will be in college soon. I'm worried because I don't know what we'll have to offer each other once the kids are gone. We love each other, and we've been through a lot together, but she doesn't excite me any more. She's gained a little weight, cut her hair, and seems more interested in her own athletic and intellectual pursuits than in me.
My wife admits that she's "not very interested in sex at this age." I hate that! We're not old, not sick, and this should be our time. I want an enthusiastic partner in bed, on vacation, and even as a weekend date. Saying sex is more or less over is close to a deal breaker for me. I have younger co-workers who seem to think I'm a pretty interesting and even attractive guy. One of them has been dropping broad hints that she could be interested in me in non-professional ways. My wife says we should "see a counselor soon." What do you think about that?
Getting Help Would Be Wise
Getting some professional help would be a good idea. It could save what sounds like it has been a successful twenty-year relationship, one that provides a secure emotional base for the two of you and for your two "great kids." Risking all that because a co-worker with nothing to lose flirts with you would be very short-sighted. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that because your kids will soon be in college, an end to their parents' marriage would not matter. It would be an earthquake! It would shatter their confidence in lasting relationships just at the time they are starting to build their own.
I'm not suggesting that you stay and sacrifice your own happiness for the kids. Instead, I'm suggesting that you stay and sacrifice your impulses to run away from the work that's needed now in your most intimate relationship. If both of you do the work, the payoff will be golden.
This is the time to re-invent your marriage, not trash it because you're worried about running out of sexual options. A woman in her fifties is capable of having the best sex of her life under the right conditions, as are you. It won't be 30-something sex, though, it will be 50-something sex. It won't be new and thrilling because you don't each other well, and can make each other the stars of romantic fantasies. Instead, it can be deeper, more passionate, more amazing than ever before. How can it happen? By learning to create true emotional safety, by learning to let down the barriers and allow each other in at a deep level, by learning some new sexual skills, and by deepening your commitment to be there for each other for life.
Check out my ebook on the Sexual Solutions page of this website. It's called Great Sex Now, and provides a roadmap for getting there. By the way, the possibilities for great sex will continue as you age if you learn to stay in beginner's mind and to keep your hearts open.
Do you have questions about female orgasm?
It's a common problem, and it can be solved. You can learn exactly how to enjoy orgasm easily in my report called Female Orgasm Unlocked.
Order it on our Books, Reports, Products page.
Improving your sex life begins by getting on the same page with your partner. Improving your communication, and deepening your trust in each other provides a great foundation for developing your sex life. To learn how to do this sign up at left for my report:
Finding Each Other Again: Five Crucial Steps.
You can create or get back your sex life with information you can learn on this website and from our reports. You practice the exercises you learn here at home. If you have questions or problems with the exercises, you can get answers by email or telephone or attending our webinars or ordering our products.
As a clinical psychologist, couple counselor and sex therapist, I have long experience and well-developed skills to help you. Here are some facts:
- In the vast majority of cases, your libido cannot be lost. You can get it back.
Men with erection problems can solve them! You need the latest information and new skills.
Men can learn to last longer, and to ejaculate only when they choose to.
The ultimate aphrodisiac for most women is emotional closeness. This involves skills you can learn here.
Becoming your partner's expert pleasure-giver greatly strengthens your marriage.
Becoming a great sexual communicator is fundamental to a great sex life. Anyone can learn this skill.
I have a mission about sexuality in America and around the world--to teach couples the attitudes and skills that can help them enjoy loving touch throughout their lives. I wrote a book about the subject, and have spoken at many conferences and workshops and universities. The book is based on many years of assisting all kinds of couples to come back to sexual joy. Please fill out the free report form to receive my free report full of powerful exercises and approaches for couples called Finding Love Again. It begins the process of bringing joy to your sex life.
If you want to explore get in-depth knowledge of the path of joyful and sacred sexuality, my book can really help. Ecstatic Lovemaking spells out the skills you need in careful detail. You can get more information or order the book here. I'm sharing as much as I can of the book's content on this site. My central message is that the enjoyment of loving touch is available to all. We were created with the ability to enjoy loving touch built into our DNA. Passion is your birthright!
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